


take these broken wings and learn to fly

by stelian



Series: fly, blackbird, fly [1]
Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coping, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Group Bonding, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Kaz/Matthias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-01 06:16:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8612494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelian/pseuds/stelian
Summary: Sometimes, Matthias wonders how six people with enough collective trauma to scar a person for life come together, become best friends, and manage to never talk enough about their own issues to work through them. Until, of course, they have no choice but to confront their problems.{or; Kaz tries to end it but crows never stop fighting, and they're convinced that there must be a way to work through this together.}





	1. don't search anymore

**Author's Note:**

> just be warned, there's the aftermath of a suicide attempt in this chapter. nothing's super detailed, but the implications are there. there's also a vomit mention, so head's up!

**queena**  
guys guys guys  
i think inej is sharpening her knives  
IN HER SLEEP  
IT'S SO CUTE IM DYING  
(3:11)

 _kb_  
why are you awake  
(3:12)

 **queena**  
WHY ARE YOU AWAKE  
(3:12)

 **van sunshine**  
dang son she got u  
(3:12)

Matthias  
Why do none of you sleep?  
(3:14)

 **queena**  
i'm currently being cuddled by the cutest girl ever so. no sleeping here. i might miss something  
(3:15)

 **van sunshine**  
same bro. same. except i have the hottest man alive with me.  
(3:15)

 _kb_  
jes we all know that's you  
also there's not way both of you are on the same bunk  
so you're probably across the room from each other  
(3:17)

  
Matthias  
It's way too late for this guys.  
(3:19)

 **queena**  
ok update. inej just rolled over and said that if anyone else texts she will personally fight them so i'm out. night.  
(3:20)

Matthias  
Good night!  
(3:20)

 **van sunshine**  
night nerds  
(3:20)

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Matthias wondered how most college students got by on so little sleep. He was used to a solid eight hours or more depending on if he felt like treating himself. Lately, he was averaging six at most. And when his phone woke him up in the middle of the night, all he wanted to do was throw the stupid thing across the room and curse himself for somehow befriending a bunch of insomniacs.

Which was exactly how he ended up sleeping through his alarm and waking up at  
7:45, giving him a whopping fifteen minutes before his first class. Muttering a constant stream of curses, he threw a jacket over his thin white t-shirt and decided his sweatpants looked clean enough and then walked out without shoes on, cursed again, and braced himself for the look Nina would give him if she saw him wearing his crocs.

By 7:58, he had managed to run across campus and up three flights of steps (because, of course, the elevator was always conveniently out of service), slam his backpack on the table, and try to catch his breath (and not fall back to sleep) as the professor started to explain basic principles of sociology.

It took a few minutes before Matthias felt relatively normal, and it was only then that he realized the seat next to him was empty.

He sighed. Kaz had probably either overslept like him or was having a bad pain day, noticed the elevator was out of service, and just decided not to go to class. Neither option was particularly unusual; Kaz tended not to sleep until he'd pass out and then sleep like the dead for hours, and it was common for him to not show up when his leg was particularly bad.

Sometimes he wondered how he managed to get involved with such an... interesting group. There was probably enough collective issues between the six of them to scar one single person for life. Of course, Matthias was no exception, but it was still something to think about. And a far more interesting subject than sociology.

The professor cleared his throat loudly, and Matthias was suddenly jolted back into reality. He glanced at the clock. 8:35. Only 45 minutes. He could make it. Maybe. He glanced down at his notes, which were full of more doodles than actual words. They looked like Wylan's "notes", or so he always referred to them mentally. Apparently they actually made sense to the kid, which was obvious because he was far too smart for any of them to understand. Still, they just looked like lines and pictures to Matthias.

His next focal point was the girl in front of him whose head kept bobbing up and down. Maybe she was asleep?

A faint snoring sound. Definitely asleep. Matthias wished he could fall asleep in public places. That would have saved him so many times.

As he looked around and counted the number of sleepers (only two, which was pretty good), he dimly realized how much more bearable Kaz's presence made the class. Of course he'd never admit it, but it wasn't something he could ignore.

Matthias openly sighed when the class was finally over. That classroom must be messing with his head.

* * *

 

Kaz wasn't at lunch either. Actually, only Nina was there. Usually, all of them ate together and Matthias was the last one to arrive due to his habit of napping in the morning. He knew that Inej had her biology lab right around noon on Fridays, which explained one out of four missing people.

"Jesper went home for the weekend," Nina said between bites of her (overstuffed) burrito, "and I'm pretty sure Wylan's working with a professor on some kind of super smart chemistry thing?"

It wouldn't be the first time. That kid was far too smart for his own good.

Matthias sat across from her, picking absentmindedly at his salad. "Did you hear from Kaz at all this morning?" he asked after several minutes.

Nina's eyebrows seemed to perk at that. "Not since around three o'clock, no. Wasn't he in class?"

"Nope."

"Bad Day?"

"Probably."

Even on bad pain days, Kaz would usually come out for lunch or at least let them know he was alive. If neither happened, they knew it was most likely a Bad Day (capitals necessary).

Kaz's Bad Days were a well-documented phenomenon. He'd scared the shit out of Jesper that one day last year when he'd gotten all quiet and jumpy, leaning more on his cane than normal and flat-out not sleeping for a week. He'd either spend all of his time obsessing over some kind of history textbook or trying to get into a fight, and they would just let him have his space. It was something that they didn't really talk about and just kind of... accepted. When all of your friends have some sort of deep-rooted trauma, you were good at helping each other out.

They may not be good people, but they were at least good for each other.

"I can send Inej after him later," Nina added after several minutes, the remains of her burrito sitting forgotten on her tray.

"Didn't you say yesterday that she's been kind of down lately?"

The look that Nina gave him could have burned straight through him. With those words, the fake air of pleasantry evaporated. God, he hated the days when it was just the two of them.

"I mean, I didn't think you paid that much attention to her, but yeah. She's been a little off. But it's either her or Jesper, and we all know that Jesper just gets himself too flustered."

That stung. That actually, physically, stung.

"I can do it," Matthias said hastily before he could hold back the words. Nina's laugh was short, harsh, and humorless. She looked tired. Matthias wished he could do something to make her feel better, but they both knew he was bad with words. That was the whole reason they hadn't worked out. "No, seriously. I'll do it. I mean, I'll try. I know I'm not really good with that whole thing, but I think... I think I know what to say."

"You literally called him a demon the first time you met him," she said, her eyes flashing. "Forgive me for being a little bit skeptical."

"Listen, Nina," Matthias said, forcing himself to keep his voice down, "I know I've said horrible things. But I really want to try to fix things. And I... I think I've changed. I want to believe that I've changed. Just let me try this, okay?" God, he sounded desperate and weak, but he saw her soften a little bit.

"Fine," she said, relaxing her posture just the slightest bit. "But if you fuck this up, I will personally murder you."

Matthias stood up, gave her a smile, and gave her the cookie that was on his tray. "I believe you will," he said before turning around to walk away. Until she yelled his name.

"Wait, Matthias? Take him some of his trash coffee. That can usually help."

He was making progress. Step by step. Becoming that person he wanted to be.

* * *

 

Kaz's building, often called the Crow Club because of the fact that it seemed to be a magnet for those birds, happened to be the one closest to the dining hall. That didn't make Matthias's walk any better, not with the bitter chill and the fact that his hand was burning from the coffee that he'd spilled, but at least he didn't have to spend as much time in the cold.

It had taken incessant nagging from Nina for Kaz to request disability accommodation, but even Kaz's stubborn ass had to admit that it helped. He'd gone from sharing a room with Jesper on the top floor of four-story building without an elevator that was located on the far reaches of campus to a single room on the bottom floor of a building close to all of his classes. That, coupled with an allowance for missing several days of class, was a welcome change. Even though he was still perpetually grumpy, Kaz's mood was better once he wasn't in as much pain all of the time.

Matthias slipped through the doors of the Crow Club, cursing the old buildings and their lack of effective heating. He'd spent far too long away from his ridiculously cold hometown, and now he couldn't even tolerate a mild dip in temperature.

From the entrance, it was just a short walk to Kaz's room. Matthias knocked on the door, empty except for the standard crow cutout with KAZ written in slightly loopy handwriting. He wasn't surprised when there was no response.

"Kaz? Hey, it's Matthias. I'm just here to check on you. Can you let me in?"

No response.

"Are you feeling okay? We're a little bit worried about you."

Nothing.

"Hey, are you in there?"

Maybe he'd left?

Matthias prayed he hadn't gotten into another fight. He was lucky to still be at the school considering the state of the last guy he'd fought. He dialed Kaz's number.

No, he probably was in there. Matthias heard the faint ringing sound of that godawful ringtone that every single middle aged person had. Kaz usually had his phone.

He knocked again.

"Can you just let me know if you're alive? You don't even need to say anything. Just knock and I'll go away."

"We're worried about you, okay? You know that we really care about you."

There was a strange sound. A crash?

"Kaz?"

A loud thump. It sounded like something fell over.

Okay. He was definitely inside.

"Kaz? Are you okay in there?"

Matthias pressed his ear to the door. He heard...

Breathing? Very loud, very labored sounding breathing.

Matthias fought to keep his voice steady.

"Hey, I'm coming in. Nina gave me a key. I just want to make sure you're alright."

His hands shook when he tried to unlock the door. After he dropped the thing twice, Matthias finally managed to get the door open.

And the door promptly hit something.

When Matthias flicked the light on, he saw that Kaz's nearly impeccable room was in a state of chaos. Half of the blankets on his bed were on the floor, something had spilled all over his desk, torn papers littered the ground, shattered glass fragments laid everywhere, and...

And Kaz sat on the floor, staring up at Matthias but not really at him, and God did he look awful.

"I was trying to get the door," he said, sounding breathless and a little bit too loud, "but everything spun and I couldn't..."

"Hey," Matthias said, panicking a little bit inside because he was so out of depth, what was he doing here, "Are you...?" He didn't finish the statement because of course Kaz wasn't okay, why did he even need to-

"Jordie?"

He looked at him, wide eyed, voice sounding so young that Matthias just stopped because, shit shit shit shit he thinks I'm his (dead) brother what do I do, why did I sign up for this-

And then his thoughts reeled again because he sees the bottle of aspirin that had been Nina's Christmas gift last year that everyone knew Kaz didn't take anywhere near as much as he should.

It was laying on its side.

Clearly empty.

He took in Kaz again, the ever-present circles around his eyes seeming darker than normal, eyes blown wide and unfocused in the way they did when someone would touch him, skin just a little bit too pale. And he knew.

"How much did you take?"

"I'm sorry, Jordie," Kaz said reverently. "I'm tired. You should've made it out of there instead of me. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize. You deserved to live." He had to play along; what else could he do? At the same time, he pulled out his phone and dialed 911.

He was in the middle of saying that Kaz is 19, probably swallowed at least half a bottle of aspirin at some point and doesn't know when it happened, holy shit it could've been last night for all knows, when he heard Kaz start retching and his breathing is even worse, and for a second Matthias panics because what if he's aspirating, what if he's too late-

"Calm down. Everything will be alright. Help is on the way."

It's sad when the 911 operator has to tell you to stop panicking.

He knelt down in front of Kaz, who had rocked forward and placed his head in his hands. "Hey, everything'll be okay. We'll get you help. Don't worry." His hand lingered somewhere near Kaz's back. He knew that usually it's only skin contact that sets him off, but every so often any contact will set him off.

Abruptly, Kaz looked up. "It didn't work," he said, ragged. "No, no. It didn't work." Before Matthias could do anything, he shot up and practically dove towards the nearest glass fragment, gripping the shard in his hand and bringing it towards his throat. Matthias moved before he could think and lunged forward, knocking the glass out of his hand and pinning his hands at his sides.

Kaz wasn't wearing his gloves.

Matthias felt the full-body shudder that went through him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I am so, so sorry."

* * *

 

_"Hey, Nina, I know you're in class, but I hope you hear this sooner rather than later. Um, so, I went to check on Kaz, and he really wasn't doing well? Like. I mean. I think he... I think he took a bunch of pills because you know, he's Kaz and he's a dumbass like that. Shit. I didn't mean it like that. What I meant is, he really felt bad and you know. I'm following the ambulance right now. I don't really know anything right now, but I know it's really hard to die from an overdose like that? So I'm hoping he'll be okay? I'm sorry. I think this would be easier if you weren't in class. I guess I'll let the whole group know when I find anything out. Yeah. Bye. Take care."_


	2. let your fears fade away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning for minor suicidal ideation and talk of a suicide attempt towards the end. again, it's nothing super graphic, but just be warned if that's an issue for you.

Matthias

Hey guys

(17:36)

I have news

I mean most of you are here anyway but still

(17:37)

So they just said that there’s likely no long-term damage. The worst there could be is maybe very slight liver damage and maybe a little bit of hearing loss but that all depends on when he actually took the pills

(17:39)

The doctor just said that they’re almost done with the second round of some kind of charcoal treatment, which should get everything out of his system

(17:40)

He’s also intubated right now but they should be taking that out soon I think?

So that’s it

(17:42)

* * *

Matthias sighed and once again wished he hadn’t tied his hair up; he had a nasty habit of running his hands through his hair while stressed. He never had been good with hospitals (or stress in general), and all he could do was just sit there and curse his fat fingers for making it hard to text quickly. On his left, Kuwei doodled something vaguely sciencey, and on his right, Nina was doing her super intense stress knitting. He wished he had something to do with his hands.

Nina huffed. “You could hold my yarn.”

“What?” 

Her shoulders did that little twitch thing they tended to do when she was amused. “You’re getting all fidgety and Jesperish. If you need something to do with your hands, you can hold my yarn.” 

When Matthias had first gotten to check his phone after the flurry of activity in the ER, he’d found over forty unread messages in the group chat and around fifteen missed calls. As it had turned out, Nina had glanced at her phone during class, heard the message, and promptly told everyone else. And then, just a few minutes later, the doors to the waiting room had flung open and Nina had enveloped him in a hug for the first time since they’d broken up.

She’d brought Wylan and Kuwei with her. Inej was on a trip to visit some girls that had just gotten out of sex trafficking, so she would be on her way eventually. Jesper had been near the end of his three-hour drive home when he’d gotten the message, so he was planning on stopping home for a minute or so, picking up his dad, and coming right back. 

So that’s how they ended up. Nina knitting, Kuwei doodling with Wylan giving objective criticism, Matthias worrying, and all of them trying not to talk about the real issue at hand. 

Which, for everyone else, was probably worrying about how they hadn’t seen the signs, how they hadn’t really  _ done  _ anything and just accepted Kaz’s horrible coping mechanisms as part of him.

For Matthias, it was the memory of Kaz’s whole body shuddering and then locking up, the way his (already distant) eyes seemed to stare through him and Matthias  _ knew  _ that he’d been seeing whatever had brought him into this whole mess. And Matthias had just stayed there until something finally snapped and Kaz passed out.

It was something that nearly every single Ketterdam University student knew. You don’t touch Kaz Brekker. Or, as Matthias had overheard once,  _ you know that creepy sophomore with the cane? Don’t touch him if you plan on keeping your life.  _ The funny part was that no one really knew  _ why.  _ Matthias knew bits and pieces, like the rest of their little group; there was something about a hurricane, a dead brother, and a bunch of corpses. He had a theory that Inej knew the whole story; however, she was dedicated to keeping his secrets.

If only she wasn’t such a fundamentally good person. 

Inej was… how do you describe Inej? She was near the top of their class, a pre-law major, president of several clubs on campus,  _ and  _ heavily involved in an organization working to bring down sex trafficking. Twenty years old, like the rest of them, and just so  _ good _ that it physically hurt. That, combined with the past that she’d been open about from the beginning. No wonder Nina was so in love with her.

And then they had Wylan to finish out the Traumatic Backstory Trio, even if he was kind of quiet about a lot of it. All that Matthias knew was that his dad was rich and kind of evil. Wylan got really quiet at the mention of his father, but they’d all seen the physical and emotional scars and come up with a fairly clear link. 

And then there was Nina, Jesper, Kuwei, and Matthias himself, who still had varying degrees of (capital necessary) Issues. Sometimes he wondered if people like them were drawn together somehow, like there was some sort of mental illness magnet drawing them together.

Matthias wasn’t good with emotions. He didn’t really know.

* * *

_ jazz hands _

ok we’re on our way back

dad says he wants to see his fav foster son again

(18:22)

i mean he’s kind of fucked up about this whole thing but

he’s calmed down now

(18:23)

 

**van sunshine**

Drive safely!!

(18:24)

 

_ jazz hands _

will do bae ;)

(18:24)

 

_**Kool-Aid** _

youre disgusting

(18:25)

* * *

 

It wasn’t much longer until the same doctor from earlier came out, looking a bit surprised at the small army that had come to join Matthias. The only perk of your suicidal friend having no family was the fact that the doctors just default to the person who brought them in. It was easier than trying to pry information out of the doctor.

“He’s able to breathe on his own now,” she said, her voice even and soothing. “We believe the charcoal treatment removed all but the slightest traces of salicylate from his system, which is a good sign. Overall, it seems he reacted well to treatment.” A slight pause. Probably the shift from physical to emotional signs. “Right now, the psychiatrist is with him to determine where to go from here. After he’s done, you’re free to visit, however…” Her eyes roamed over the little crew that had assembled. “I wouldn’t recommend all of you going back. Perhaps just one or two of you. I’ll be back in a moment.” She turned on her heels and walked out.

“Okay,” Nina said, “So who are we sending into the lion’s den?”

Matthias really wished Inej was there.

“I think Matthias should go,” Wylan said softly. “He was the one who found him, after all.” Of course, there he went. Wylan Too-Pure-For-This-Earth Van Eck.

“No,” Matthias and Nina said at the same time.

Kuwei tilted his head. It was scary, the way he and Wylan seemed to be on the same page all of the time. “Matthias seems like a good kid.” He had a strange habit of calling everyone “kid”, probably due to how quickly he’d learned English on top of  however many other languages he knew. No one had the heart to correct him; besides, it was kind of adorable.

“Matthias has the emotional range of a teaspoon,” Nina said. “Believe me, I would know. I dated him.”

In the end, it was decided that Wylan should be the one to go in. Besides being the purest and kindest person alive, everyone knew Kaz had a sort of fondness for him. To be fair, it was impossible to not feel at least a little bit protective over Wylan. Even though he was only a year younger than the rest of them, he had this sort of innocent puppy look. 

Wylan flashed them a small smile when the doctor came back. He was good for Kaz, Matthias decided. It was like being with a puppy. No one could be sad when Wylan was nearby.

… Or maybe they could, because only around fifteen minutes later, Wylan reappeared. “He, um… he wants to talk to you, Matthias.”

Fuck his life. How did it come to this?

“Are you sure?” Matthias said, probably too loudly. 

“I mean, I’m almost certain he said ‘Matthias.’ Should I ask again, or…?”

Godammit, Van Sunshine.

“Haha, yeah, I think maybe you misheard-”

“What is  _ wrong  _ with you?” Nina asked, slapping his arm. “Earlier today you were fighting me to talk to him, and then you brought him here and have been worrying your head off.  What changed?”

“The fact that I knowingly triggered a fucking panic attack or a flashback or whatever the hell he gets?” Matthias roared, again probably too loudly. He winced at the look the old lady a few rows up gave him. Of course he said that. Of course he did. He wanted to shove his foot in his mouth.

“What?” Nina said, head tilting to the side in that birdlike way she liked to.

Matthias gave a deep sigh. “It was a few minutes before the paramedics arrived, I think. I don’t know. He kind of- he kind of freaked out. I mean, he was really out of it when I first got there and kind of thought I was his brother, but he had this moment where I guess it was all kind of clear and he realized it didn’t work? So I guess he’d broken a bottle earlier and there was this glass piece nearby and I think he tried to slit his throat with it, but I wouldn’t let him do that so I kind of tackled him and held his hands down and- yeah. He didn’t have his gloves on, and I think he was kind of not in a good mindset, and… it was bad. Really bad.”

Foot, farther in mouth. They looked at him in awe. Either they were shocked at what he’d said, or the pace at which he’d said it. The only good thing about his little impromptu speech was the fact that he probably said it too fast for anyone to understand.

“Look, Matthias,” Wylan said, having taken several steps closer. “I- I don’t know you guys as well as you do. I mean, Kuwei and I are both kind of outsiders. But I know you, and I know you try to do what’s right, and who knows what would have happened had you not kept his hands down? And I know it’s scary, what you did, but… it was for his own good. And I don’t think he’s mad at you.” He blushed. “But, I mean, that’s just what I think.”

Fucking cinnamon roll.

“Thank… you?” Matthias said, voice squeaking a bit. 

And then he stood up and went down the hall before he could talk himself out of it.

The first thing he noticed in the room was the guy in the corner, sitting impassively in a chair and staring somewhere up at the ceiling. Suicide watch. The doctor had warned Matthias about that back at the beginning.

The second thing was how tired Kaz looked. 

He almost looked worse now than he had back in the room. Perhaps it was the awareness. The Kaz he had seen was in a drug-haze, and he’d looked  _ young _ in a way that he supposed the real Kaz never had. Now, there was still a hint of fuzziness in his eyes, but he was far more alert. 

Matthias thought back to when the paramedics had arrived. Kaz had woken up, vomiting again, but then screaming a bit when they’d come closer. “Don’t touch me,” he’d said, voice hoarse and rockier than usual. It had become a mantra until his voice had given out and they’d injected him with something to put him out again.

They probably still had some kind of sedative in him. Perhaps it was for the best? Matthias couldn’t imagine the amount of people who had probably been touching him in the past few hours.

“I think I’m supposed to thank you,” Kaz said, voice gravelly and barely there.

“Are you? I mean, I don’t think there’s an overwhelming need to-”

“Why did you come to check on me?”

There was acid in his tone, similar to the undertones Nina often used. Matthias dimly recognized the connection. She must have gotten it from him.

“I don’t-”

“You’ve hated me since the day I met you. You have no connection to any of us except Nina, and she hates you because of what you did to her. So why did you come by?”

“I-”

Because this was always what happened, wasn’t it? Matthias wasn’t good with words; he was good with actions and using his fists to get a message across. He could use his fists to get out of a problem, could even run away if the situation called for it. When it came to talking, he tended to shut down. It just- this wasn’t him.

Was that a good thing?

He felt torn.

“I’m trying to make a change. I guess… I thought if I tried to show people I care, then I could somehow worm my way into this little group you have. I thought maybe if I showed that I could handle you in a funk, maybe people would like me.”

Kaz laughed, a short bark that quickly turned into a cough. “That’s cute. Touching, really.”

Why had he let Wylan talk him into coming back here? 

Something in the back of his mind told him there was no need to be so worried. The person taunting him- really, the one with control in this situation- was hooked up to an IV, probably hadn’t slept (naturally; medically induced or passing out didn’t count) for days, most likely had some kind of drug still in his system, and looked like death (moreso than normal). Matthias could easily take him out (plus Corner Man would definitely be on his side) but this wasn’t the sort of fight he was used to. He could do guns blazing and fists flying, but this whole talking thing? Not his forte.

“You can just say whatever’s been nagging at you this whole time. I’m in no place to judge you right now,” Kaz said.

“Listen, I… the only reason I came back here was so I could apologize. For what I did back in your room. There was no reason to hold onto you for as long as I did, and I knew what would happen but I stayed there and… I’m sorry.”

For once, Matthias saw genuine surprise twist Kaz’s face before he quickly resettled into a neutral face of vague anger. Had Matthias actually surprised him?

“I don’t know why you think you have to apologize. I’m not mad. I’m just… confused.” He definitely surprised him. A point for Matthias.

“You’re not mad?”

“I had a moment of… weakness. I couldn’t clear my head, and I realized that I really just did not want to be here. So I tried to leave.” Kaz yawned, just a little bit. Matthias imagined he was tired. Maybe that was why he was being so open right now? “All that you did was keep me here. Maybe I should be angry. I don’t know. I’m not really feeling much right now.” 

“Look, Kaz,” Matthias said, moving closer to the bed. “I’m glad you made it. And I think maybe this is a good chance for you to start getting some help. You don’t need to go about this whole thing alone.”

“I don’t really need help.” 

Matthias raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that? Because this whole situation doesn’t really show that you have it all together.” Shit. That was kind of rude. To be fair, Kaz was kind of the king of rude, but he kind of wished he could take that back. “I mean, that’s okay. Not a single one of us has everything together. But… just think about it. Maybe you don’t think you need help, but I think we can help you out. Make living worth it.”

“Maybe,” Kaz said, blinking back sleep. He was kind of adorable, all sleepy like this. He’d be pissed later at how open he’d been, but for now, Matthias could enjoy sleepy emotional Kaz. It was a welcome change from the dead-eyed thing he normally was.

“Sleep,” Matthias said, using his Big Brother Voice. “You’ll feel better.”

It didn’t take long until his breathing evened out.

 

* * *

 

Matthias

So I think we just had a bonding moment?

(19:04)

 

_ jazz hands _

holy shit and i wasn’t even there to witness it

(19:06)

 

**queena**

pics or it didn’t happen

(19:07)

 

Matthias

sleepykaz.jpg 

(19:10)

 

_**kool aid** _

CUTE CUTE

(19:11)

 

**queena**

i’m dying inside

(19:11)

also we’re all kind of on our way back

surprise

(19:13)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probable medical inaccuracies despite research + lots of emotions + matthias is bad at feelings
> 
> thank you guys for the good reviews on chapter one! i haven't really written anything in a long time, so it's nice to hear good things :)
> 
> finally, if anyone noticed some of the shuffling around i did today, it's because i decided to split this into two parts of a series. this is the angstier half; part two is far more fluffy and full of group bonding and happiness.


	3. the blue in an ocean of gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's kind of short, and a bit of an interlude between parts. no specific warnings for this one except some mentions of dissociation and vomit. happy reading!

**queena**

ok who else can’t sleep

(1:01)

 

Inej

You already know that I can’t

(1:02)

Jesper please don’t make an innuendo

(1:02)

 

_jazz hands _

i am personally offended that you would call me out like that

(1:03)

 

**queena**

jesper go away

(1:03)

ok but seriously i’m worried

i feel bad that we just kind of. left?

(1:04)

 

Inej

There was nothing we could’ve done

I mean, he probably could use some space. And sleep.

(1:05)

And we all need sleep too

(1:06)

 

_jazz hands _

you say that to a group of insomniacs

(1:07)

or i guess insomniacs and wylan

he’s like passed out rn

(1:08)

 

Inej

I know we all feel guilty

(1:10)

But there’s nothing we could have done

And all we can do now is be supportive

We all have that capability within us

(1:11)

 

Matthias

GOD INEJ YOU’RE TOO GOOD AND IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS

(1:13)

 

**queena**

………….

yo

(1:13)

stop hitting on my girlfriend

only i can call her too pure for this world

(1:15)

 

Inej

(Nina doesn’t have a monopoly on calling me pure)

(do it as much as you want)

(1:17)

 

_jazz hands _

ok well now that you’re being gross i think i’m going to try to go to sleep now

(1:18)

 

Inej

That’s a good idea

We all had a very long and stressful day

Good night!

(1:20)

 

* * *

 

Matthias barely remembered stumbling into his dorm room and crashing on his bed without even taking off his shoes. Even though he had only gotten back around nine o’clock, the day had felt _endless._ The horrible sociology class and the hours at the hospital felt so disconnected that he could hardly believe they’d both occurred in the same day.

He was lucky enough to fall into a deep dreamless sleep… until around one in the morning, which was when he woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep. He just… couldn’t turn his thoughts off. Eventually, he decided that he probably wasn’t going to get any sleep, so he slipped out of the room, taking care to ensure Kuwei didn’t wake up. The kid slept like the dead, but Matthias still didn’t want to take a chance.

Campus at night was strangely serene. Ketterdam University wasn’t exactly in a _nice_ part of town; they’d all heard the horror stories from Kaz about some of the streets a little farther down. However, perhaps the deep November chill kept even the worst of criminals inside. A slight snow had begun to fall, and Matthias found it ironic how peaceful it was outside compared to how chaotic his day had been.

He found himself wandering for a bit, letting his feet decide where to go and shutting off his brain for a while. Dissociation wasn’t a stranger to Matthias. Back home, he’d been prone to wandering the snowy streets with a sheet draped between his thoughts and the rest of him. Now, he wasn’t exactly dissociated all the way, but he felt pleasantly calm.

When he next became aware, he realized he was standing in front of a building. Confused, he looked around until saw the lamplight bouncing off of the silhouettes of birds roosting in the trees, and he realized he was in front of the Crow Club.

Of course he would end up here. Of course.

Why not be helpful while he was here?

For once, Matthias was glad for the glitchy swipe system, because for all reasons his ID should not have unlocked the door to the building; however, some kind of glaring safety flaw let him in. It was a good thing he wasn’t some kind of serial killer.

He hesitated when he reached Kaz’s door. It felt like an invasion of privacy, going in like this. Still, he knew the room was a mess, and if no one cleaned the vomit off the floor it would just start to smell and get even more disgusting. Sure, the college had said they’d deal with it, but why not do it while he was here? It would save some poor janitor a job. He was just being charitable.

The state of the room pulled at Matthias’s chest a little bit. The last time he’d been here, he’d been focused on Kaz himself. Now, there was nothing to distract him from the chaos in the normally impeccable room. He remembered a comment from the doctor at one point.

“I don’t know how long this has been in his system,” she’d said. “I would say the aspirin was probably ingested at some point last night. He’s lucky that it wasn’t an incredibly large dose, otherwise-” She’d given him a slightly pitying look at that point, and it had made Matthias feel absolutely _awful_ \- “There’s no way he would have lasted this long.”

How long had this whole thing been brewing?

His first priority was washing anything with vomit on it. For a drug overdose, there was surprisingly little, which was another factor he chose not to really dwell on. The only bits were on his sheets and a pile of dirty clothes. Matthias quickly deposited those in the washer and tried to remind himself not to forget. After, he found a rag and some bleach and worked on scrubbing the floor clean. Then it was the glass shards, and then the paper fragments, and finally he righted the desk chair that been flipped over at some point.  

As he replaced the sheets on the bed, Matthias realized how much quieter his mind had become.

* * *

 

**_Kool-aid_ **

(6:14) Where have you gone

(6:20) Did you go to the hospital already?

(6:32) No, your car is here

(6:40) No one has seen you

(7:03) WHERE ARE YOU

(7:10) I AM WORRIED

(7:32) WHERE ARE YOU

* * *

 

_“Matthias, you asshole, answer your fucking phone. I think Kuwei is about to cry because he woke up and you weren’t there. I know you look at that thing all the time, so stop fucking ignoring us and pick up.”_

* * *

 

**_Kool-aid_ **

(8:04) We are very worried about you

(8:07) We care about you very much

(8:11) Please do not do bad things to yourself

* * *

 

Matthias startled awake to the sound of his phone buzzing, flashing a picture of Nina from back when they were dating.

Why was Nina calling him at-

Light was coming in through the window. Why was the sun out when it was only-

This wasn’t his bed.

Where was he?

Matthias groaned and flopped his head back.

“- _YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU’VE BEEN IGNORING OUR CALLS FOR HOURS NOW AND KUWEI IS SO UPSET BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU WENT TO HURT YOURSELF AND WE’RE ALL WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU, YOU ASSHOLE, I CAN’T BELIEVE I PUT FAITH IN YOU YESTERDAY-”_

“Nina. I’m fine. I fell asleep.”

“You fell asleep. What, did you sleepwalk away from your room?”

“I…. kind of?”  
“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I kind of went to take a walk and ended up cleaning Kaz’s room? And I kind of fell asleep there?”

“Oh my god. Oh my fucking- oh my god.”

The other line dissolved into giggles.

“Nina, is everything-?”

“Oh my god, I literally cannot handle you because that is the gayest thing I have ever heard and I am dating a woman,” she said, voice muffled due to the sheer amount of laughter coming from her.

“Nina, I swear it wasn’t-”

He heard the hysterical laughter die down. “What she’s trying to say is that you just acted like some kind of romance movie protagonist,” Inej said, a slight laugh evident in her voice. “As in, you wandered aimlessly and ended up at your love interest’s room and you _fell asleep_ there, probably because it was so comforting or something along those lines? It’s very touching.”

“Oh my god, you’re insufferable.”

“This morning you were calling me too good for this world.”

“I’m hanging up on you.”

* * *

 

Matthias sighed and hit his head against the wall.

It was going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not really sure how updates are going to proceed after this one, to be honest. december is kind of a very busy month for me, but i'll try really hard to keep this going! i am far too attached to these gay murder children


	4. destined for more

For the second day in a row, Matthias found himself rushing to get ready. As he ran back to his room, changed into a different shirt and pants, brushed his teeth in a matter of seconds, and threw his hair in a sloppy bun, he was strongly reminded of- yesterday?

Was it really only yesterday that he’d overslept and almost missed sociology? It felt like weeks had gone by in the span of just one day. The whole thing reminded him of the days back home when money was tight. Mornings were for school, nights were for long hours of work. Rinse and repeat. Always working towards the hint of having a future away from that little village.

Everyone else had already gotten to the hospital at least an hour ago; however, Kaz was in the middle of being moved to the psychiatric ward, so it wasn’t like he was missing anything. Nina said they were having a sad hospital café party and his presence was missed. _Missed_. Nina hadn’t said anything that close to kind to him since last spring. Was he on his way to finally fixing things? He wanted to hope so, but the practical part of his mind said he probably never would be able to fix the schism between him and Nina. Maybe he was just worrying excessively, or maybe it was the truth. It was hard to tell.

Either way, worrying had always been one of Matthias’s strongest traits. His sister had always rolled her eyes at him. “I’m not a child,” she’d said constantly even though the label was more than appropriate, standing with her hands on her hips and her back straight as if that would make her seem older.

She was an ache in his chest; something he’d tried to protect and had failed. He missed her so much.

He promised he wouldn’t let it happen to anyone else. Even as Matthias tried to pull his thoughts back to the present, to the way his breath fogged the windshield and the way his hands shivered beneath his gloves, he couldn’t get rid of that protective older brother feeling he’d lost so long ago.

* * *

 He found everyone except Inej gathered in the cafeteria. Nina was nursing a large, steaming cup of coffee most likely drowned in milk and sugar until the actual coffee was indistinguishable. Next to her, Kuwei was writing something that seemed to switch languages in the middle, and on the other side, Jesper sat with an arm around Wylan, seemingly half-asleep.

“Do you know the first thing he said when we saw him this morning?” Nina asked, staring into her coffee, vacantly stirring it. “Not, ‘How are you guys doing?’ or ‘Hello’, or even _nothing._ Do you know what he said?”

“He asked where you were,” Wylan finished for her. “I guess he wants to speak with you alone.”

“Just throw us all in the trash.” Nina shook her head. “He looked right past Inej and saw you weren’t there, and that was all he thought about. _Inej._ How does one ignore _Inej_ . And the human version of sunshine was there, and the best foster brother ever, and… and Kuwei, and then me, the most beautiful girl any of us have ever seen-” Kuwei snickered, and she slapped him- “What, exactly, _was_ your bonding moment?¨

The fury that had been in her voice earlier was gone. Actually, all of the venom that he’d heard from her since their breakup was gone. She sounded tired, like they all did, and a little bit… what was it? Proud, almost?

“We just… talked a little bit. I tried to convince him to get help. I told him he wasn’t alone. That was it?”

Nina buried her head in her hands.

“I don’t understand men.”

“Same, girl. Same.” Wylan shrugged himself out from under Jesper’s arm in response to his comment. Jesper shot him a pout. Wylan stuck out his tongue. The whole interaction was far too adorable and far too pure for the world.

“Hey, Jes, I thought your dad was coming?” Matthias said as he sat down in the empty chair they’d left for him. Thankfully, some of the tension had eased from yesterday. There still was a lot of uncertainty there because everyone was worried about Kaz’s mental state, but there wasn’t any physical danger left. The emotional stuff was easier to block out.

“He was going to, but then we realized that this probably isn’t the best setting for a six-year-old. We turned around pretty quickly after that.” That was right; Matthias had forgotten they were fostering again. He’d heard the way Jesper cooed over her whenever he showed them pictures. Not bringing her along was probably a good call. “He said he might try to come up later, once everything’s a little more settled.”

“Oh, cool. Where’s Inej?” he asked. He hadn’t heard anything about her not being there; then again, she Inej. When _didn’t_ she have something else going on?

“She stayed back to talk to him after they got him settled. You know. Do their little bonding thing.” Wylan shrugged. “She told us to send you back once you got here.”

Why did Kaz have to ask for him? The only thing that had saved him in his previous conversations was the fact that Kaz had been drugged both times. He doubted the trend would continue, so Matthias lost his little buffer against saying the wrong thing and ruining everything.

At that moment, though, Inej came striding in, her gait as graceful as always. With her soft, floral hijab pinned neatly in place and her large, round glasses fixed squarely over her bagless eyes, a soft smile on her face, she looked almost normal amongst the chaos. “The psychiatrist came back,” she announced, pulling a chair over to sit beside Nina. Immediately, she stole a sip of the her girlfriend’s coffee and gagged. “That’s disgusting. Far too much sugar.”

“How’s he doing?” Jesper asked, leaning forward.

“Not horrible, considering…” Inej started. “Tired, mostly. I understand.”

“So what’s next?” Matthias said, voicing the thought they were all having.

“I don’t know.” Inej took in a deep breath. The facade of normalcy seemed to slip for a second as the insecurity became clear in her voice. “The psychiatrist is probably trying to figure out exactly what his…-” She waved her hand around a bit, seeking for the word- “mental state is, I guess? They might try to extend the involuntary hold, or I guess he could agree and stay willingly. I don’t know. He’s a stubborn ass sometimes.”

They all chortled a bit at the use of “sometimes”. That was beyond an understatement.

They sat in silence for a bit until Jesper pulled out a deck of cards and insisted they do _something_ just to break the silence. Nina decided on Go Fish, which managed to ease the tension just the slightest bit. No could deny that it was strange to play such a lighthearted game in such a setting. Still, it was a welcome distraction to keep their thoughts from running away from them. Matthias knew several of them had issues with hospitals. However, no one could ignore the fact that the game wasn’t right without Kaz’s over complicated strategies to win every single time.

After an hour or so, Matthias got up to stretch his legs and found himself wandering towards the psych ward. He was very much reminded of the way he’d wandered to Kaz’s dorm while in a daze the previous night. This time, he could at least justify his location by claiming to be checking if the psychiatrist was still back there. It would be a solid enough excuse. Maybe. He remembered what Wylan had said earlier about Kaz wanting to talk to him alone. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to get the awkward conversation out of the way?

There was no response when Matthias knocked on the already-open door. Hopefully this would end better than the last time Kaz hadn’t responded to a knock on the door.

He looked better. And worse. Both were there simultaneously. There were definitely no drugs in his system this time; instead, Kaz had that cold, calculating look in his eyes that was normal. On the other hand, he was still far too pale and, considering the setting, it was impossible to ignore the crippling reality of what had happened yesterday.

“I-” Matthias started, but Kaz glared at him.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m staying willingly,” Kaz said, flat.

“Wait, what?”

“The psychiatrist recommended a week-long stay here. At least. Said I have a bunch of internalized childhood trauma and bits of bipolar disorder. It’s best for me and everyone around me if I stay. But of course they can’t make me. And they don’t have to this time.”

“What?”

“I’m not supposed to be alone for a while. Supposedly I’m not trustworthy. There’s too many medicines I’m supposed to take but she doesn’t want me downing a whole bottle again, so I’m supposed to get someone to move in with me.”

“Kaz, I-”

“Do you know that the last time I did this I ruined my mother’s life? I jumped off the roof of the firehall because it was the tallest building around and all I did was fuck up my leg. I said that she’d taken me up there and pushed me. No one found it hard to believe. She worked with the fire company, everyone in town knew how she’d abandoned her husband and her sons for a rich man in America, and apparently there was this one time in college where she beat up her boyfriend until there was permanent damage but she was never quite convicted. So now everyone thinks she tried to kill her poor, traumatized son who barely spoke English.”

“Kaz. Stop.”

He raised an eyebrow at Matthias, but didn’t challenge it.

“Why did you tell me all of that?”

“You don’t pry. There are things you’ve done that you don’t want anyone to know about.” He shrugged. “I guess we’re the same in that way.”

How did he _know_?

Matthias reeled. It could be a half-truth, like Kaz liked to tell; maybe he didn’t know specifics but had heard about the incident with Nina and his grandfather the year before. How she’d stormed out of the house in tears when he’d taken her home over Easter to meet his family and he’d talked the whole time about how her people were ruining the country (but she was dating a white boy, so of course she must be better than the rapist drug dealers that made up the rest of her people), how he’d come over for opportunities but they were all stolen by people who didn't belong in the country and were probably all there illegally anyway. How Matthias had just sat there and hadn’t defended her.

When his grandfather had made a comment about how difficult it must be for Matthias to understand a dark girl like her, she’d run out. And when Matthias confronted her, he couldn’t understand why she was so upset.

So they’d broken up. And that night, Matthias _finally_ said something to his grandfather about what he’d said. The man had been furious. “So _now_ you change your mind,” he’d said. “When you’re with a girl who’s clearly inferior. Someday you’ll understand how the world works.”

The next day, he’d burned some of the books and papers in his room. Later, he’d sent messages to some of his old friends and told them they were terrible for the things they’d done. They hadn’t been violent, just… disgusting. Graffiti slurs. Derogatory comments. Staying away from the non-white parts of of town. He’d cut contact with his old group. The next semester, he really started to get involved in activist groups on campus. Trying to make up for the years he’d spent… lost. Digging himself into a grave that was harder to claw his way out of.

“How did you know?” Matthias asked. Kaz let out a laugh; a short, harsh thing. He was suddenly reminded of the way Nina would laugh mockingly at him when he tried to reconcile after they’d split. It was clear where she’d gotten it from.

“I went through high school as an Asian foster kid with a limp and a severe phobia. I can recognize your type instantly.”

Okay, harsh. But Matthias deserved it.

“Look, I’m not going to make excuses for what I did. It was horrible, and I’m deeply sorry. But that’s...  that’s an issue for another day. What did you mean about the whole being alone thing? I can go get everyone and we can talk about it, maybe Jesper would be good? You guys are pretty much brothers anyway, you’ve spent so much time together-”

“Didn’t you realize there was a reason I wanted to talk to you alone?”

“Oh my God,” Matthias said, slumping forward and putting his head down on the bedside table. “Can’t you just be direct for once?”

“Fine. I’d rather it be you.”

Matthias squinted at him. “Okay, maybe I’m reading this whole conversation wrong, but you sounded pretty hateful a couple of seconds ago, so this whole thing doesn’t make sense and, you know, I’ll just go get the whole group back here-”

“I already told you why. You don’t pry. I just told you how I tried to kill myself before and blamed it on my mother and you didn’t ask anything about it. That makes you a perfect candidate.”  
“That’s because I was saving my questions for later, but if we’re talking about that now, then I do have lots of questions-”

“Not today.”

“Okay, that’s fine, but we _will_ revisit this some day. You’re not going to worm your way out of explaining that one,” Matthias said, bringing out the Big Brother voice again. It never stopped being effective, even if he hadn’t been a big brother for several years at that point.

“Fine. We’re done. You can go get everyone else.”

Matthias swore he was going to kill him someday. “No, we’re not done. At the very least, I want to know why you changed your mind on getting treatment. I can pry if I want to.”

Kaz flashed a smile, cold and ruthless. “I remember bits of yesterday, you know. I know I thought you were my brother. And I think… I think I’m tired of carrying everything from that day around with me. I’d rather confront it than keep reliving it every time someone touches me.” He paused. “Also Inej helped to convince me.”

She could be very convincing when she wanted to be.

“Listen, I think everyone else is dying to see you awake, so if it’s okay I think I’m going to go get everyone?”

Kaz shrugged. “Why not.”

* * *

 

It was… emotional, to say the least.

Jesper was the first to make it into the room. “Oh, man, I was so _worried_ and I’m glad you’re okay, and I am giving you biggest air hug ever right now you wouldn’t even believe it.”

Nina had followed, crying a bit and also promising air hugs and also promising to never let it get that bad again, they would wrap in a blanket and give him so many hugs once this was all over.

Kuwei said something in Vietnamese that had made Kaz smirk. Matthias made a note to ask about it later.

Wylan said a soft hello, also with tears in his eyes.

Inej just gave a small smile.

When he told them about his decision to comply with a week’s stay, there was celebration. Nina cheered, Wylan cried a little bit, and Inej smiled wide.

“We’re proud of you, Kaz,” Inej said. “We are all so proud of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this ends the really angsty part of this fic! from here it's definitely much more lighthearted and focuses on happy crow times and coping skills. we've got one chapter left of this part and then onto the fluffier part.
> 
> edited 12/7 to clarify nina's ethnicity


	5. right here is where you belong

_jazz hands_

the time is now

THE DAY IS HERE

(16:04)

 

**Van Sunshine**

Never mention that godforsaken musical in my presence ever again

(16:06)

 

_jazz hands_

babe

you know you love dead gay french revolutionaries

(16:07)

;) ;) ;) ;)

(16:08)

 

**queena**

i will have u know this is a pda free environment

(16:09)

 

_jazz hands_

:o<3

(16:11)

thats me

blowin a kiss

(16:12)

 

Matthias

You’re all horrible

(16:14)

 

Inej

I’ve arrived

I’m a little early so I have to wait for checkout

But we’ll be back soon enough

(16:20)

* * *

 

The week without Kaz was probably the strangest in Matthias’s life at that point, and that was counting the time he’d been shipped off to another country because his immediate family had died in a fire.

It wasn’t that Kaz was always the most _pleasant_ presence, or that he was the most active participant in conversations. Rather, it was just… odd not to hear the clack of his cane, or the vaguely condescending comments, or the way quiet laughs because of how ridiculous they were all acting. There was just something missing from their dynamic.

Because of that, everyone kind of talked around the topic. No one wanted to be the asshole that talked about the very thing they were all trying very hard to ignore.

“We can’t just keep ignoring this,” Inej had said one day at dinner. “I know we’re all stressed and worried. We can’t just… all keep bottling this up.”

“Yes we can,” Jesper said between sips of his water. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re all professionals at blocking out what we don’t want to think about.”

“That’s not healthy, you know. It makes everything worse,” she’d responded. Her voice had been soft, yet forceful; once again, it was Inej looking out for everyone else’s mental health.

“I know,” Nina said. “I know, but it feels wrong to talk about him while he’s not here.”

That had ended that conversation, and the topic hadn’t come up again.

 

The day before Kaz was scheduled to return, Matthias moved into what was now _their_ room. Everything else was already taken care of; the hospital psychiatrist had sent a letter of request for a change of housing shortly after he’d been admitted.

He did feel bad to leave Kuwei alone. Kuwei had never really spent much time around people his own age before, so finding out he and Matthias were rooming together had made him incredibly excited. Still, he’d been understanding. Matthias had promised it was only temporary.

It was strange, having half of the room so empty. Kaz didn’t decorate and brought only what was absolutely necessary. Kuwei had been the same way, except his plainness was out of necessity rather than practicality. He simply didn’t have anything that warranted bringing to school.

Being a refugee will do that to you, Matthias supposed.

The sole exception to Kaz’s “no decorations” policy was a single photo taken in front of some sort of barn. In the center stood man stood with one arm around a woman, both of them beaming. On his side clung a laughing child, supported by the man’s other arm. In front of them stood another boy, clearly a few years older, who held a rather large, old-looking dog. Noticing the photo had felt like an invasion of privacy, but Matthias hadn’t been able to look away.

The fact was that seeing such unhidden happiness on Kaz’s face was something foreign. And it shouldn’t have been, it didn’t have to be; there were people like Inej who had also gone through hell twice over but still _lived_ , even if some days the strain was clear on her face. All this time, he’d just been surviving, and somehow the depths of it hadn’t been clear until a week ago.

When Matthias drifted back to the present, he realized he had nothing to do for around an hour. So, he sat cross-legged on his bed, stared at the ceiling, and waited for time to pass.

It crawled.

* * *

 

Inej

We’re here

(17:42)

 

**queena**

LOUD SCREAMING

(17:43)

* * *

 

Matthias, unsurprisingly, was the first one to arrive at the parking circle near the center of campus. He quickly saw Inej’s tiny, dark blue car and the two figures getting out of it. He held his breath as they approached.

Kaz. Leaning heavily on his cane. Dressed in a black sweater, dark jeans, and with a black scarf slung around his neck. Hands gloved. Pale, tired. But alive.

Matthias took a step forward but was intercepted by a red blur. It took him a moment to realize it was Nina, a blanket pulled around her like a cape. She stopped in front of Kaz and held it out in front of her.

“May I?”

Kaz stared at her.

“Um, fine?”

And then in one quick motion she threw the blanket at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Nina’s Blanket Hug of Greatness **™** had come about sometime last year, when they’d had a movie night around one of Kaz’s bad days (lowercase; it hadn’t been one of the really bad episodes but it was definitely just not a good day), and someone (either Inej or Wylan, or maybe both?) had said, “I wish I could hug you right now.”

So Nina had grabbed a blanket off of her bed, held it out, asked, “May I?”, and when he didn’t protest, hugged him through the blanket. It prevented skin contact but still maintained that warm, safe hug feeling. In short, it was a brilliant idea. On true Bad Days, the pressure could send him halfway to a panic attack, but on normal or only slightly bad days, it was incredible how well the blanket hug worked.

“I’m so glad you’re okay and I’m sorry we let that go by and oh god we all love you so much please don’t do that again? I mean that’s a shitty thing to say but I mean it we literally case so much about you and we’d be so upset if you weren’t around anymore so-”

“Nina,” Inej and Kaz said at the same time.

She took a step back, tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I really rambled there? What I really meant was… I’m glad you’re back, and you’re safe. And I think-” she paused, seeing that Jesper, Wylan, and Kuwei had all arrived- “I think I speak for all of us in saying that.”

Kaz coughed and looked to the side, but Inej nudged him in the elbow. “Thank you?” he said, almost amused, and _finally_ sounding almost normal. There was still that raspy quality to his voice, but it had lost all of the extra soreness. Thank God.

Wylan nudged his way forward, followed slightly by Jesper. Wylan took the blanket first and lingered for a long time, silent. When Jesper took his turn, he whispered something no one else could hear.

Finally, Kuwei approached. He stopped and chose not to take the blanket. Instead, he did what he’d done that one day in the hospital. In a low voice, he said something in Kaz’s native Vietnamese that made him smile, just the slightest bit and only for a fleeting moment. Matthias knew Vietnamese was one of the many languages that he’d never fully learned; rather, he’d just absorbed bits and pieces from his time staying there until he knew the very basics.  

He wondered what he’d said, but he knew it was probably very personal. He decided not to push it.

“We were thinking of doing a movie night someday soon,” Nina said. “I mean, Non-Religiously Affiliated Holiday Night is soon, but still. We wanted to do something in the meantime-”

“Not today,” Kaz said. “But tomorrow would be fine.”

They parted ways shortly after that, as Kaz insisted he was tired. So he and Matthias walked back to their now-shared room, the only sound being the clack of Kaz’s cane. Once they reached the room, Kaz sat on the bed, grabbed his laptop, and put one earbud in.

Matthias let the silence pass for a while, but then he said, “Look, a lot has happened over this week, so if you ever need to talk about it-”

“I don’t.” Kaz hardly looked up. “When I said I’m tired, I mean it. Over this week, I’ve spoken about more than I ever meant to. And I have therapy twice a week now. So…” At that point, he finally did look up. “I’m sick of talking.”  
“Oh,” Matthias said. “Oh, okay, you don’t need to say anything then, don’t worry about it, but if for some reason you change your mind I’m here.”

He didn’t respond.

This was going to be awkward.

* * *

 

Non-Religiously Affiliated Holiday Night was… a strange tradition, to say the least. Out of the seven of them, only three of them were Christians. Jesper’s family was ridiculously Catholic (being half-Irish will do that to you, he supposed); Wylan had been raised Christian, but he always got a little weird around the holiday; and then there was Matthias, whose parents had been actively involved in the church but weren’t the most spiritual but his grandparents were the church three times a week type. Nina’s moms were Jewish, Inej was a devout Muslim, and Kuwei often described himself as a “casual Buddhist”. Finally, Kaz had been raised mostly non-religious, but a blend of several religions had creeped in just due to the culture of his area.

The whole thing had actually been Nina’s idea, mostly because she wanted an excuse to give gifts to everyone. So, they’d decided on a date in the middle of December and then spent a whole night playing board games and watching movies.

Nina and Inej’s room, a triple with a vacant bed ever since their roommate Dunyasha had moved elsewhere, was decorated with snowmen and probably far too many penguins (Matthias counted at least twelve at a quick glance). In a corner was the growing gift pile. They’d pushed the beds to the sides, leaving a large space in the center of the room.

“Hey!” Nina yelled, dressed in a huge, glittery penguin sweater she’d probably knit herself. Inej, who stood with an arm on Nina’s shoulder, smiled. She was dressed in a similar sweater, only her penguin was purple instead of black, and her hijab had little snowflakes on it. In short, they looked adorable.

“You guys look… festive?” Matthias said, and then he noticed the reindeer slippers both girls wore.

“So do you!” Inej responded, grinning. Matthias had managed to convince Kaz to wear the bright red snowflake scarf Nina had made from him last year. On himself, he wore a hideous Christmas sweater some girl had gotten him back in high school, complete with pompoms and a garish color scheme. He looked ridiculous, but that didn’t matter. What _did_ matter was the way Kaz had choked back a laugh when he’d stepped in the room wearing it.

The three others had also gone with the ugly Christmas sweater theme, with Jesper’s displaying a massive, nearly orange Santa Claus face in the center. What was curious was how Kuwei, who definitely did not own anything related to Christmas, wearing a slightly baggy sweater with blinking lights threaded through it.

“It was mine,” Wylan admitted, blushing. “And then we worked together on the lights, and…”

“Jesper said it’s adorable,” Kuwei added, winking at him. Jesper winked back. Wylan just shook his head.

At that point, Inej swooped over and wrapped her arm around Wylan. “Don’t worry, _we_ love more than Jesper ever could.” And then Kaz stepped over and-

And he ruffled Wylan’s hair?

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Jesper said, “Babe, you’re _magic_!”

They quickly moved to the annual Monopoly tournament, which went about as well as it normally did. Jesper and Wylan, working as a team like always, were the first ones out because Jesper just _had_ to get Boardwalk and Park Place, invest all of his money into building hotels… and then land on cheapest property and lose all of his money to Nina.

Inej, who had been hoarding railroads and utilities the whole time, was out next due to a series of unlucky rolls leaving her stuck in Kaz’s corner of death. Kuwei, who had been bouncing in and out of jail for several turns, also got caught in the corner until he surrendered his properties.

After an hour, when Nina, Matthias, and Kaz had ended up in a stalemate of sorts, Nina declared it was present time and no one objected to her.

“So I kind of went a little bit above and beyond this year,” she admitted, chewing on her lip. “Y’all stressed me out a ton over the past couple of months-” She glared at Matthias, but for once it wasn’t overly hostile- “So I kind of stress-knitted a bunch. Surprise?” She tossed heavy piles of fabric at everyone, but yelled not to open them up until everyone received all of their gifts.

They didn’t exactly get each other extravagant gifts; after all, they were all poor college students. Inej got everyone fuzzy socks with varying designs, Jesper gave everyone stickers, Wylan had little candy packages, Matthias made pen bundles, Kaz got gloves for everyone (there was probably a joke in there no one was completely sure of), and Kuwei had these small, fancy notebooks that went well with Matthias’s pens.

And then there was Nina, who knitted _full, personalized sweaters for everyone_ _complete with words._

Inej’s was a dark purple and read NO, Jesper’s was navy with YES HOMO, Wylan’s was green with VAN SUNSHINE, Matthias’s was orange with ACTUAL PUPPY, Kuwei’s was red with SWEET CHILD, and Kaz’s was black with DON’T TOUCH ME.

They took a group picture with the sweaters on, and everyone had massive, brilliant smiles on their faces. Even (or especially?) Kaz.

At some point around halfway through _The Lion King,_ Matthias looked around and realized most of the room was asleep. Kuwei had his head in his lap, either very relaxed or very asleep. Jesper and Wylan were tangled together in a pile of limbs, and Inej was definitely asleep with her head on an awake Nina’s shoulder. Nearby, Kaz sat with his legs curled beside him, head hanging forward in a way that definitely implied sleep.

Softly, Matthias coughed until Nina looked his way. He pointed at Kaz and then at her bed, which was only a few feet away from him. She nodded and flashed him a smile. Gently, he pushed Kuwei’s head off his lap, making sure to not wake him.

Making sure he touched only clothing and not skin, Matthias lifted Kaz the slightest bit in order to lay him on Nina’s bed. Thankfully, the boy stirred but did not wake. He knew sleeping in such a pose would have done nothing but significantly worsen the pain in his bad leg for a day or so, so it was best just to move him.

As he settled back down and returned Kuwei’s head to its original position, Matthias felt a rush of warmth overtake him. It had been years since he really felt like he’d belonged somewhere, yet there he was. They were all survivors; probably some of the strongest people around.

For better or for worse, they were an unstoppable group. No matter what came next, they could survive it.

Together.

* * *

 

 _"You are the dawn of a new day that's waking_  
_A masterpiece still in the making_  
_The blue in an ocean of grey_  
_You are right where you need to be_  
_Poised to inspire and to succeed_  
_You'll look back and you'll realize one day."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're finished with this part! thank you guys for sticking with me through this; it's been lovely! part two should be up in a week or so, which i'm super pumped for.
> 
> enjoy your holidays, friends! <3

**Author's Note:**

> also subtitled: how many times can i write Matthais before I realize that it's actually Matthias
> 
> in case anyone needs it, here's the key for the group chat:
> 
> queena = nina = bold  
> kb = kaz = italics  
> van sunshine = wylan = bold/underline  
> matthias = matthias = underline  
> jazz hands = jesper = italics/underline  
> kool aid = kuwei = bold/italics/underline  
> inej = inej = regular
> 
> finally, chapter titles are from the song [Wanderer's Lullaby](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70VlAyEUXYM) by Adriana Figueroa, which is a lovely song that i highly recommend listening to.


End file.
